Most parents help their children because they love them. Yet a question runs through much of Dr. Camilo Ortiz's work: when does helping stop being helpful?

Dr. Ortiz, Ph.D., ABPP, is a board-certified clinical psychologist and a partner at Cognitive Behavioral Associates (CBA) in Great Neck, New York. His scholarship focuses on parenting, child anxiety, and disruptive behavior. Along with Dr. Matthew Fastman, he co-developed Independence Therapy, and the two are writing a forthcoming book, Let Go to Let Grow.

The pattern many families recognize

Some children have a hard time doing things on their own. Some parents, in turn, find themselves stepping in again and again: making the phone call, carrying the backpack, settling the disagreement, staying close "just in case." Each act makes sense in the moment. Over time, though, children may get fewer chances to practice handling small challenges themselves.

CBA describes this as a two-way street. In Independence Therapy, children take on fun, sometimes challenging tasks by themselves, while parents work with the therapist on their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as they loosen the reins. One parent who completed the CBA parent group said, "As much as I'm giving her independence, she's giving it back to me."

Why "less" can be a skill

Stepping back is not the same as stepping away. It is a skill that parents can learn, and it usually takes planning and support. A few ideas that come up in this line of work:

Children want to grow up. Kids have a natural drive to do more on their own. Giving them room to do so can line up with that drive.
Small risks are part of everyday life. Nearly every activity children enjoy carries a little risk of discomfort or a scrape. Learning to handle these moments is part of development.
Parents have feelings, too. Stepping back can make a parent anxious. Noticing that worry, without letting it make every decision, is part of the work.

Questions to consider

Which small tasks does my child do with me that they might be ready to try alone?
When I step in, is it because my child needs me, or because I feel uneasy?
What would I want my child to be able to do by themselves a year from now?

A note on scope

This article is general education, not clinical advice, and it cannot tell you what is right for your child. Every child is different, and safety always matters. If you are worried about your child's well-being, consider speaking with a licensed professional.

Where to learn more

To see how this approach works in practice, read about Independence Therapy at CBA or about child and parent coaching at CBA. You can also learn more about Dr. Ortiz. To ask about care, call CBA at (516) 858-4328.